Trailblazing
comedian Joan Rivers never shied away from outrageous humor, fearlessly
lampooning her friends, fellow celebrities, and, most of all, herself.
She passed away Thursday at age 81, so we’re remembering
her with a collection of her best quotes and jokes, corralled from her
interviews, memoirs, and even her Twitter feed. Thanks for the laughs, Joan.
1. “People say that money is not
the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can
have a key made.”
2. “I wish I had a twin, so I
could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
3. “The fun of working on the road
means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of
towels from the Ark.”
4. “I don’t exercise. If God had
wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
5. “Thank God we’re living in a
country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in
bed thanks to television.”
6.”I was born in 1962 … and the
room next to me was 1963.”
7. “I’m no cook. When I want lemon
on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”
8. “I am definitely going to watch
the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.””
9. “At my age an affair of the
heart is a bypass!”
10. “A child can be taught not to
do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and
wake Mommy before noon.”
11. “My love life is like a piece
of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”
12. “You know you’re getting old
when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through
it.”
13. “Looking fifty is great—if
you’re sixty.”
14. “You know you’ve reached middle
age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the
police.”
15. “The first time I see a jogger
smiling, I’ll consider it.”
16. “There’s no one to call up and
have the same memory bank. … Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman. …
I met Harry Truman. … But you know what I mean? Nobody’s interested. They want
to know you met Rihanna.”
17. “I must admit I am nervous
about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never
know it.”
18. “At my funeral, I want Meryl
Streep crying in five different accents.”
19. “When a man has a birthday, he
takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years
off.”
20. “I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the
dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
21. “Love may be a many-splendored
thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch
the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and
murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives.”
22. “Half of all marriages end in
divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.”
23. “A study says owning a dog
makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I
don’t want to go through menopause again.”
24. “There are many self-help books
by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.—I’ve Been Through It
All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell
you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.”
25. “You know you’re getting old
when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”
26. “The fashion magazines are
suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that
would be a shroud.”
27. “Had a friend who is going
through menopause come by for lunch today. Her hot flash was so bad, it
steam-cleaned my carpet
28. “The funniest [writer] in
person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one
more time: ‘How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they
didn’t have them in those days,’ I think I’ll scream!”
29. “The book I wish I’d never
written is Joan Rivers’s Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology.”
30. “We all mourn in our own
way. I mourn with a great steak.”
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