'Can We Talk?' Remembering 35 of Joan Rivers's Best Quotes and Jokes
Trailblazing comedian Joan Rivers never shied away from outrageous humor, fearlessly lampooning her friends, fellow celebrities, and, most of all, herself.
She passed away Thursday at age 81, so we’re remembering her with a collection of her best quotes and jokes, corralled from her interviews, memoirs, and even her Twitter feed. Thanks for the laughs, Joan.
1. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
2. “I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
3. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”
4. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
5. “Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”
6.”I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963.”
7. “I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”
8. “I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.””
9. “At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”
10. “A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.”
11. “My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”
12. “You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”
13. “Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty.”
14. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
15. “The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
16. “There’s no one to call up and have the same memory bank. … Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman. … I met Harry Truman. … But you know what I mean? Nobody’s interested. They want to know you met Rihanna.”
17. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”
18. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
19. “When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”
20. “I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
21. “Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I’m kidding, just watch the six o’clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives.”
22. “Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.”
23. “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”
24. “There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.—I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.”
25. “You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”
26. “The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”
27. “Had a friend who is going through menopause come by for lunch today. Her hot flash was so bad, it steam-cleaned my carpet
28. “The funniest [writer] in person but rather boring on the page is, hands down, Leo Tolstoy. If I hear one more time: ‘How many czars does it take to change a light bulb? None; they didn’t have them in those days,’ I think I’ll scream!”
29. “The book I wish I’d never written is Joan Rivers’s Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology.”
30. “We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”
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