Top 20 Jokes at the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers

By Patrick Bromley

Comedians Expert

Comedy Central aired the Roast of Joan Rivers on August 9, 2009, featuring appearances by comedians Kathy Griffin, Mario Cantone, Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross and more. Though the insults were fast and furious, there were some that stood out above the rest. Here's a rundown of the 20 best one-liners (not ranked by quality) heard at the roast.

(Several of the jokes were pretty racy, so those of you who are easily offended may not want to read on.)

1. "Joan is not an Orthodox Jew, but men still f*ck her through a sheet so they don't have to look at that face." (Kathy Griffin)
2. "What's with all the surgery, Kathy? Lord. You've been stitched up thousands of times, but you're still sad to look at. You're like the AIDS quilt." (Greg Giraldo)
3. "Mario [Cantone] is so gay, he has to get a Brazilian wax for the pubes in his teeth." (Robin Quivers)
4. (On Melissa Rivers) "I don't mean to sound judgmental; I just hate it when someone uses a much more famous relative to further their own career." (Tom Arnold)
5. "When I heard Greg Giraldo was going to be on the dais, I said 'Who the f*ck is Greg Giraldo?' So I went and I Googled him and you know what it said? 'Who the f*ck is Greg Giraldo?'" (Joan Rivers)
6. (On Whitney Cummings) "I guess since Kathy and Joan have huge gay followings, we needed someone with no following." (Greg Giraldo)
7. (To Joan Rivers) "You used to look your age; now, you don't even look your species." (Greg Giraldo)
8. (To Kathy Griffin) "I always wanted to know what Andy Dick would look like if he went to the gym." (Mario Cantone)
9. (To Marion Cantone) "Mario, thanks for lowering the bar, because I don't think I could have followed Greg [Giraldo]." (Tom Arnold)
10. "Tonight is actually a benefit for Joan Rivers' favorite charity: Melissa Rivers." (Jeffrey Ross)
11. "Whitney Cummings hasn't even heard of Whitney Cummings." (Brad Garrett)
12. "If you like my act, you can see it again later when Brad [Garrett] comes up." (Jeffrey Ross)
13. "Unlike the rest of the people on this stage, I'm aware that I'm not a comedian." (Melissa Rivers)
14. "Carl [Reiner], it must have been so hard to top The Dick Van Dyke Show. Because you didn't." (Robin Quivers)
15. "Mario Cantone is so gay his safe word is Mario Cantone." (Whitney Cummings)
16. (To Joan Rivers) "Your face doesn't move. I can't believe they haven't hired you to host New Year's Rockin' Eve." (Robin Quivers)
17. (To Gilbert Gottfried) "You couldn't fill a comedy club if you were sitting on Jeff Dunham's lap." (Tom Arnold)
18. (To Kathy Griffin) "You are a thief. You stole my act, you stole my gays and you stole the face of the Burger King." (Joan Rivers)
19. (To Greg Giraldo) "Greg, the only work you ever get is this roast. No one has any idea who you are. You're like the Jeff Ross of comedy." (Whitney Cummings)
20. (To Gilbert Gottfried) "Open your f*cking eyes! The audience is leaving, you asshole!" (Joan Rivers)